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1 star

The American – 1 star

February 6, 2012
1 star, Crime/Mystery, Drama
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I picked up The American mainly because it starred George Clooney and he had a gun in his hand on the DVD cover. So, on me.

There is a lot wrong here.  Foremost is Clooney, miscast as an emotionally detached killer-sort. Steve McQueen, sure. But not Clooney, who mistakes emotionally detached with catatonic.

He plays a killer and/or facilitator for killers who has to hide out in the most picturesque town in Italy.  There, he demonstrates that he is a spartan and a loner, because, well, he is alone, has no pictures in his apartment and does a fair amount of sit-ups and push-ups. Of course, he strikes up a friendship with a priest, who pushes him a little morally, and a prostitute, who, given how attractive she is, should charge $50,000 a roll.

George a gent for Violante sex – The Sun

And, yes, he decides it is time to “get out.”

The film is overbearingly serious, and chock full of tropes, like, oh, he kissed a prostitute on the mouth and went down on her = love.  And then he was in a shoot-out and won, and got in the car, and . . . is that blood?  Oh my God!  He was so in shock and it was all so crazy, he didn’t even know he’d been shot in the gut until he was driving a a mile out of town.

This guy is really . . . detached.

And “they” won’t let him “out.” Why?  Unsaid, unexplained. Apparently, it’s enough to say “I’m out” and then some really serious French dude makes arrangements for you to be offed.

I wish I could have gotten out too. But no.

Greenberg and Cyrus – 1 star/2 stars

February 6, 2012
1 star, 2 stars, Comedy, Drama
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Amazon.com: Greenberg: Ben Stiller, Rhys Ifans, Greta Gerwig, Noah Baumbach: Movies & TV

Cyrus (2010 film) - Wikipedia

Similar films about dysfunctional and barely interesting people.  In Cyrus, poor John C. Reilly has the good fortune to start dating Marisa Tomei.  Unfortunately, Jonah Hill (Cyrus) is Tomei’s babied adult boy and what ensues is a muted power struggle played a little too seriously when there were more laughs to be had.

Greenberg is another filmic form of torture from Noah Baumbach, who has made quite a career of making movies about unpleasant, self-centered wretches (Jeff Daniels and Laura Linney in The Squid and the Whale; Nicole Kidman in Margot at the Wedding).  The sad center of Greenberg is Ben Stiller, a just-out-of-the asylum condescending dick who is house-sitting for his brother in L.A. Thankfully, unlike the prior films, Baumbach doesn’t put children front and center for the abuse he finds so illuminating.

To give credit where it is due, both Hill and Stiller do well with their appointed tasks, which is to squeeze a little humanity out of such creepy, crappy characters.  And while Cyrus ends up unconvincingly sweet, Greenberg is coyly ambivalent.

But really, do we care whether an ass like Stiller may find love at the end of the day?

We do not.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark – 1 star

February 6, 2012
1 star, 2011, Scary
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Image result for don't be afraid of the dark movie

Scary and interesting only up and until three things happen: you see the CGI little gnomes who are causing the trouble (they look ridiculous); Katie Holmes bashes your sensibilities into submission with her leaden acting; and you realize there is no adequate backstory for why the house is haunted by CGI gnomes.  It just is.

I confess, I got punked.  I saw Guillermo del Toro’s name associated with the picture.  He directed The Devil’s Backbone, Pan’s Labyrinth  and Cronos , which were spooky, atmospheric and rich.

Alas, the movie says Guillermo del Toro presents, not Guillermo del Toro directs.

Drive – 1.5 stars

February 6, 2012
1 star, 2011, Crime/Mystery
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George Clooney took his run at McQueen in last years’ dull, arty The American. At least Clooney was old enough to play a weathered “man-with-no-name” zombie. This year, it is Ryan Gosling’s turn in Drive.

Dull, arty and ridiculous, the addition of a grating soundtrack, gratuitous and utterly pointless violence, and Gosling, who has sublimated his personality to play an automaton.

You see, he drives.

For a minute, one wonders if he is the lethal, charmless version of Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man.

No such luck.

The film is also marred by plot twists that make no sense. For example, a professional killer stalking Gosling in an elevator allows our hero to give his gal a loving, long kiss, during which he could have stabbed Gosling in the back.  As a result of his inexplicably polite waiting, he gets his head stomped into a bloody pulp.  Later, Gosling chases a career criminal onto the beach, said criminal being strangely unarmed, and then, said criminal  attempts to escape — by sea.

Mix in scenes chosen for the picturesque, Brian Cranston phoning it in as the old codger who gets Gosling “in too deep”, and Albert Brooks as an offbeat heavy, and the entire endeavor seems forced and inauthentically hip.

I love small crime movies, particularly moody and elegant ones like Layer Cake or The Limey or The Way of the Gun or Sexy Beast.

Drive isn’t a third of any of those films.