As explained by one of the characters, Eephus is the name of baseball pitch so slow it mesmerizes the batter such that he is either too late or too early when he swings.

This quirky, meditative, and maybe too low-key gem of a comedy feels like the pitch, a nice, floating firefly that you can enjoy even as it flummoxes you. The story depicts the last baseball game on “Soldiers Field,” a ratty Massachusetts park that will soon be giving way to construction of a school and ending the years-long tradition of a bunch of townies who have been going at it there for years. Their skills, conditioning, and waistlines are vastly disparate, but they are drawn to the place once a week likes moths to flames. They carry both the wizened irony of knowing they suck, but also, maybe not, and the inconsistent fire in their belly is one of many charms of this langourous debut.  

Co-Writer and director Carson Lund makes the ballfield church and purgatory, both hallowed and emblematic of some kind of crappy penance. The players are of all walks and skills, running the gamut from the super competitive to easy lopers to ex-jocks with nothing better to do but try and catch an old spark. Some are there just to get out of the house for minimal exercise while draining Narragansetts. They have the same arguments, bits, and chatter they’ve been having for years, and the demise of their weekly tradition seems half mournful and half relief.

There are no great stakes, no “let’s get this out in the open” showdowns, just a few flaccid tiffs. It is implied that the manager of one of the teams my have a tangential connection to the demise of the field, yet there is no overt confrontation. Lund even slyly makes fun of Field of Dreams as people just seem to wander on and off the field as from a mist, be they stoners, kids, or strangers.

I have been playing basketball with the same group of guys on an elementary school court since around 2000, over a quarter of a century. As one of the, if not currently the oldest participants, I’ve seen a lot of guys come and go. My skills – never formidable to begin with – have diminished to the point that every 6 months, when the time comes to re-up, I contemplate retirement like the smart older players before me. Such is my tenure, they call me “the Commish.” Yes, it’s that bad.

But every time I think about leaving, if not quite on top, on my own terms, sans a ruptured Achilles or torn ligament, I realize that those terms are non-negotiably, “I will go down with the ship.” This is not always good news for the others, who are all better and who likely sigh when I am assigned to their squad, but you know what?  Fuck them. For all my handicaps, a good night on the court on the verge of 62 is simply too sweet an elixir to voluntarily forego. Last week, 5 of us, undersized in each matchup by an average of 3-4 inches, took the last three games. I felt like a member of the ’80 Olympics hockey team. This week, I turned an ankle on someone’s foot, hit the deck in the lane, and caught a driving knee to the back of my head. Later, I caught a slap to the front.  All fine, but I also singlehandedly lost 2 games with turnovers, bricks, and very bad decisions. To make matters worse, I celebrated a win with a fist pump when, in fact, we merely tied the game, which we then lost when I decided to switch off my man, who hit the game winner. I felt sick.   

So, the film spoke to me in a manner that probably warrants recusal.   

But you know what?  Fuck that.

On Amazon Prime, for free.     

Some of you may have noticed that I have slowed my roll a bit of late.

Alas, the ravages of time take their toll on many things, including my ability to watch and review films.

That is why here at Filmvetter, we are pleased to announce a new collaboration – “One-Sentence Xmastime Movie Reviews” – from my fellow blogger, brother, and protege, Xmastime.

Xmastime also, on occasion, makes short films, so I’ll feature some of them here as well.

Enjoy the dawn of a new era.

Cards on the table. My knowledge of The Odyssey is limited. So limited, when Christopher Nolan‘s film depicts the fall of Troy, I kept looking for Brad Pitt as Achilles.

So, I come to this picture with no interest in fealty to the source material. I’m open.

What’s good? Filmed with IMAX cameras, the movie is beautiful and grand in scope, and it did not feel overlong even though it is really quite long. Robert Pattinson also near steals the picture, such is his committed performance as the villain.

To the bad.

Didactic and pedestrian dialogue. Nolan explains everything. He cannot rely on a look, or a gesture, he must tell us all. And often when he does, what we are told is so painfully banal or high falutin’, it is cringeworthy. The “what you hear when the Sirens sing their song” voice over was so hilariously bad, I longed for the same ear wax utilized by Odysseus’ men to drown out their bewitching appeals. There is not one clever exchange, not one illuminating piece of dialogue. Rather, we get turgid exposition, conversation that basically exists to get you to the next thing.

Bad performances. Wikipedia tells me that Odysseus is renowned for his intellectual brilliance, guile, and versatility. Matt Damon, however, plays him as dimly solid and a bit of a lummox.

As his son, Tom Holland gives as bad a performance as I’ve seen in a major film. He’s a less chirpy Spiderman sporting Disney Channel-esque mien. Nolan’s script does him no favors, having Holland utter, on numerous occasions, the word “Dad.”

Not “my father.”

“Dad.”

Holland sounds like Richie Cunningham asking for his Pop’s advice before going to the see The Fonz.

As the wife of Odysseus, Anne Hathaway gives one of her patented over the top, histrionic performances, particularly noxious when it rams into Damon’s dullness or Holland’s puerility. She’s at a constant 13 when she should be at a 7, which will elicit an Oscar nod and my groans.

Discordant modernity. There has been spirited discussion about the propriety of casting Elliot Page, who is transgender, as one of Odysseus‘s warriors. I did not find the cast as distracting as the transgender actor playing the Philip Seymour Hoffman role in Netflix’s Ripley. But to then have that character speak gravely from Hades and say to Odysseus, “Hey, when you go back, and tell my story, feel free to add some ‘stuff’”

“Stuff.”

Also, they load Odysseus up with Page’s recrimination about not being let in on the whole horse gambit. As depicted, Page is the keeper of the horse, left to explain that it is a gift when the Trojans arrive. Page is not upset at being killed in the duty, only that no one told him he was tending a horse filled with soldiers. And if Page had known the horse was filled with Odysseus and his soldiers?

Knock, knock, knock.

“Hey, fellas? Everything alright in there?”

Modernity skews the story as well as the dialogue, at least, such as I understand it (note my prior reliance on Wikipedia). As I said, I am not going to kick the film for diverging from source material of which I am ignorant. Odysseus haunted by the sack of Troy? Okay, I’m listening. Even Athena (played by a wasted Zendaya here) was not on board with the excesses of the Greeks as they pillaged the city. Odysseus suffering from PTSD due to the war crimes he witnessed? Errr. Okay?

Odysseus then killing 25 men in dizzying acrobatics that smacks of John Wick? True to the story perhaps, but tonally moronic. Nolan wants it both ways. A classical Odysseus, who rips guts and gives no quarter and less shits, and a modern combatant, haunted by the depravity of his deeds.

Nolan also injects sophomoric Women’s Studies feminism for good measure. Hathaway spits at Holland about the unfairness of it all, kvetching that she’s been holding Ithaca together for years with nary a whisker on her chin. But near as the audience can tell, it appears she has been merely overseeing a very long, rambunctious dinner party. She does not demonstrate any ruling decisions other than withholding her hand in marriage to a replacement for Odysseus and hectoring Holland. And working on a very, very, very big blanket.

Nolan also gives us a nasty witch (Samantha Morton) who turns Odysseus’s hungry but unfailingly polite men into pigs when they ask, mind you, if they could eat from her kitchen. When Odysseus inquires as to the point of her cruelty, well, you know… it’s the patriarchy. But Morton also turned her sister into a bird, and when Odysseus pedantically inquires as to the crimes that resulted in that particular fate, Morton implies that her sister was just a bitch.

Repetition. There’s too much disembarking where Odysseus and his men clamber up a hill and then, in a Keystone Cops manner, scurry back to their ships. Which reminded me of Monty Python and the Holy Grail and “Run away, run away!”

Humorlessness. An odyssey is a long time. And when you are being chased by a Cyclops, or turned into a pig, or just floating around endlessly on a boat, there has to be some levity. Not here. The only person who smiles is Pattinson, and even that is mostly a malevolent leer.

Ultimately, I’m heartened this film was made, and that it is racking up kabillions. I fear the extinction of the historical epic, and Nolan has now given us three, along with Dunkirk and Oppenheimer.

Two out of three ain’t bad, even if the third is.

Based on a true person if not story, Adrian Cronauer (Robin Williams) is a popular disc jockey stationed in Vietnam where he entertains the troops with his wacky hijinks, falls in love with a local gal, has a run in with her Viet Cong brother, and finds out that the true enemy is not the North Vietnamese, but an uptight sergeant (J.T. Walsh) who hates his funny so much he routes him through a VC-controlled highway, presumably, because he hopes he will be killed.

Because Cronauer is a wise ass, and later, a humanitarian, he must die. 

Barry Levinson’s (Diner, The Natural) schmaltz fest is really just a vehicle for Williams to be zany. He more than delivers. In the doing, the men love him and snigger at the squares who do not, including the sergeant who so hates bits, sound effects, impressions, and double entendres he tries to have Cronauer killed. 

But our watermelon-smashing Gallagher Christ, he won’t be held down.  Not after this pep talk:

EDWARD

And I literally think that you owe it to all of them to get your ass back on the air.

ADRIAN

If you haven’t noticed, the army doesn’t really want me, Ed. They’ve been harassing me since the day I got off the plane.

EDWARD

So what? It’s the guys in the field that matter, remember? Those are the guys that are dyin’.

A homogenous 80s sit-com fluff ball with half-hearted altruistic pretensions, powered solely by Williams’ manic energy, which, to be fair, can be entertaining.   

*SPOILERS*

A boy, Bear (Mike Johnston), has an unrequited love for a girl, Nikki (Inde Navarrette). While visiting a gift shop for jewelry to present to her, Bear picks up an old toy, the One Wish Willow, that purports to grant the purchaser whatever he desires. Bear wishes Nikki would love him more than anyone in the world. She proceeds to do so and goes crazy in her obsession  The toy, and by extension its manufacturer, is the facilitator of Nikki’s possession, which starts out “perfect girlfriend” great for Bear, and then goes downhill.

What’s good? The flick is very assured for a first feature and it warms the cockles of this old heart to see a young writer-director who expended less than a $1 million produce a near half-a-billion grosser. Curry Barker maintains a low, steady simmer throughout, supported by strong turns from the leads, particularly Bear, an uncanny mix of Jeremy Davies and Billy Crudup. On occasion, the picture is slyly funny.

What’s bad? Most everything else. The plot is simplistic and increasingly absurd, eschewing all explanation. “How did this happen? “What’s behind it? Are the gift shop owners the malefactors? Why does the toy have a number you can call? Is this mass produced? If not, why is it discussed on Reddit?”

“Who cares?  Just enjoy the ride,” is the response.

That flip rejoinder, however, means the viewer has to shut down his brain. He cannot ask, “If I was forced by alchemy to love one above all others, it makes sense that in the throes of possession I would exhibit all sorts of jealousies in the most extreme of ways, including offing a romantic rival, but why would I feed my love’s dead cat to him in a sandwich?”

Because it’s creepy and cool, I guess.

Instead of a Drag Me to Hell backstory or an allegory so compelling you don’t dwell on the the source of the horror (It Follows, where, disease is just a disease – no one asks from whence it comes), Barker’s tale rejects logic as an inconvenience, and the picture necessarily peters out.

Bear figures his mistake out quickly. Not because he is smart nor because Barker slow-walks Nikki’s aberrance. By the middle of the film, we all most assuredly know Nicki is possessed and batshit psychotic, but in case you were dim, in a moment when Nikki’s alter ego is not in the complete control of her, she says flat out to Bear “Kill me” – just as Regan, through her own skin, told Father Karras, “Help me” in The Exorcist.

And yet, Bear–

a) still defends Nikki beyond all reason and in spite of her bloodying self harm;

b) endangers everyone around him in the process;

c) exhibits his own angst as to whether Nikki really loves him (or was it only the malign entity … oh, no, modern dating is sooooo hard!)

Bear’s behavior is so offputtingly discordant, you don’t really feel for him, and the film doesn’t work unless you really feel for him (or, if he were a villain, which he is not).

The movie clunks it way to its unsatisfying end. Nikki’s all-encompassing love destroys Bear’s world and the solution he happens upon is so patently elemental and clumsily arrived at, with those pesky and lame rules suddenly jammed into the equation, you’re annoyed at the picture’s smug self-satisfaction.

Very Longlegs. A great, accomplished feel, but exceedingly lazy and dumb. 

Free on Peacock.

Like all Yorgos Lanthimos films, Bugonia is adept, thought out, and at times, mesmerizing. Slowly but surely, the viewer is drawn into Lanthimos’ vibe in his story of a mentally ill conspiracy theorist (Jesse Plemons) convinced that the CEO of a corporate behemoth (Emma Stone) is, in fact, an alien deposited on Earth to kill us all. With his hapless, dim cousin (Aiden Delbis), Plemons kidnaps Stone to make her fess up and save humanity.

Unfortunately, Lanthimos quickly reverts to his sweet spot, rank sadism. Of his pictures, Poor Things is the only one I like. In re-making the Frankenstein story with an innocent (Stone, again), he allowed for joy and humor as she explored her boundless lust and curiosity while clashing with societal convention.

Here, like The Lobster and The Favourite, Lanthimos is artfully back to picking wings from flies. His mean-spirited abuse of his characters – in particular, Delbis, an Of Mice and Men Lenny-type – is capped off with a grandiose coda that expresses just how much he really does hate people.

Lanthimos’ conceit is that he is delivering something of import – be it commentary on environmental cataclysm, the perils of the internet, or corporate soullessness – but really, he’s just a nasty brute with a good eye. If it weren’t for the game efforts of Plemons and Stone, who can be captivating in their cat-and-mouse exchanges, this would have been a zero.

On Netflix.

I recently watched a documentary on the estimable Sidney Lumet and ran across one of his later films on one of my streaming queues. Q&A is a New York City potboiler about an idealistic and ambitious young assistant district attorney (Timothy Hutton) and his quarry, a corrupt, enigmatic detective (Nick Nolte). The film opens with Nolte executing a perp and planting a gun. Hutton is brought in by the district attorney (Patrick O’Neal) to investigate the shooting.  It is clear from the outset that Hutton is supposed to play ball and not dig too deep. Hutton is more than happy to perform the task.

Then Hutton has lunch with an old mentor (Lee Richards). Hutton tells Richards that O’Neal is tough but fair, and decisive.

Richards, who once worked with O’Neal, does not tell Hutton to be wary. Rather, he tells him that O’Neal is a prick, a racist and an anti-Semite who manufactures evidence to put people in the electric chair. He also tells Hutton a story. In one case, O’Neal went to go witness one of the black defendants he railroaded “fry” at Sing Sing, and when he came back to the DA’s office, he crowed about it, telling the other lawyers that he sure hoped that the guy was guilty. Hardy har!

“Fuck him. Now and forever,” says Richards. 

To this, Hutton eats his corned beef sandwich. He does not object. He does not ask any questions. He does not say to his mentor, “Come on. You must be exaggerating.”  He just eats. 

Then Richards tells Hutton that the case he drew is all wrong, suggesting that Nolte must’ve planted a gun, because the decedent never carried a .45, only a .32. 

More chewing of corned beef.  Ho hum.

That is when I turned this intolerably stupid film off.

22 minutes in. 

We already know from the outset that Nolte is dirty, and now we know that the district attorney is even dirtier and everyone knows Nolte is dirty.

At 22 minutes, we also know that the script is dogshit and the Hutton character may have been lobotomized.

On Tubi.

Like Walter Hill, Peter Hyams is a workmanlike director with several efficient and entertaining movies under his belt. Capricorn One, Outlander, and Narrow Margin are crisp commercial fare with occasional flair. While Hyams does not have a masterpiece in his oeuvre, unlike Hill (The Long Riders), after watching this flawed debut, you feel one was in there.

Busting tracks its’ early buddy cop kin, Freebie and the Bean, but swaps out the verbose and frenetic James Caan and Alan Arkin for the dour and focused Elliott Gould and Robert Blake. The latter are two LA vice detectives who are becoming disillusioned with the pointlessness of rousting massage parlors, gay bars and porno shops. They become obsessed with a corrupt crime lord (Alan Garfield) who thwarts their work by paying off the cops, politicians, and judges.

It’s an uneven picture, sometimes quietly comic, then discordantly violent. The camera work, however, is superb. In particular, a stunning extended foot chase shootout through Grand Central Market at night. The dolly shot was filmed decades before the pool scene in Boogie Nights and the nightclub scene in Goodfellas and was made all the more difficult because the leads flow, dodge and weave through dozens of terrified extras screaming and crouching as bullets whiz about. The scene is not an anomaly. Hyams has a deft feel and eye that portended a more illustrious career.

Other notes. 

Gould is an LA detective who wears a Washington Redskins winter hat, which is cool. 

As with Freebie and the Bean, if they showed this politically incorrect picture at Oberlin, the student body would revolt.

The movie is also said to have been the inspiration for Starsky and Hutch

During the shootout, Hyams does things often ignored in such scenes. People fall. An innocent bystander get shot. And lo and behold, both Blake and Gould reload their revolvers. 

Quentin Tarantino’s take:

On Amazon. 

My daughter has been keeping an eye out for special screenings of older films, and Sunday, we went out to Tyson’s Corner to see Mike Nichols’ adaptation of La Cage au Folles, The Birdcage.

The film is a classic combination of crack timing, unrestrained joy, and comedic generosity. If you haven’t seen it (and it is currently on any number of streaming services, including Netflix), you are engaging in unnecessary self-neglect.

Since it is a well-known classic, I’ll just offer a few observations.

1. It is a crime no one was nominated from the picture. Not the uproarious Nathan Lane, the surprisingly canny Gene Hackman (who was just coming into his own as a comic force after the prior years’ Get Shorty), or the gut-busting Hank Azaria, the butler who can neither cook nor walk in shoes. Not even …

2. Robin Williams, who plays well-off character as the straight man, allowing Lane to fill the zany and manic spaces he normally occupies. Williams is the glue. Sure, he is funny, but he’s largely setting up everyone else, and in the rare moments of genuine drama (which are smartly short and tender), he packs a wallop.

3.  The set-up is ingenious. The daughter (Calista Flockhart) of a scandal-escaping conservative moral majoritarian senator (Hackman) falls in love with the son (Dan Futterman) of a gay couple who own and perform at a South Beach drag club (Williams and Lane). At the behest of the smitten son, Williams and Lane try to tone down their gayness and play as straight, conservative Greek diplomats (Williams the father, and Lane, the uncle) while entertaining the senator and his wife (Diane Wiest) for dinner. In the wrong hands, that same set-up could portend a preachy lesson-fest that has a few yuks, but Nichols (or rather, his longtime collaborator, screenwriter Elaine May) is having none of that. May is about the laughs and any zingers are broadly comic, more cultural than political, and woven tightly in the larger bit. Her bon mots never get in the way of the physical comedy, they enhance it.

Case in point.

Wonderful picture.