300: Rise of an Empire – 2.5 stars

300, but with less homoerotic tension, thanks in part to the contributions of Eva Green, a vicious, smoldering twist of an invader, who turns in one of the more ridiculous yet strangely intoxicating love scenes in the history of cinema. Before and after this scene, it’s just a lot of slo-mo spears and swords, a comic-book Spartacus-meets-Gold’s Gym.

On reflection, Eva Green’s mating style is remarkably similar in Dark Shadows: