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Twister but only marginally better acted.

The first 30 minutes is devoted to character development, so we can invest in our crew of six fishermen who will weather the storm of the century. There is the romantic captain on a bad streak (George Clooney); the young turk in love (Mark Wahlberg); the divorced father of one fighting to maintain a relationship with his son though he is a “man ‘o the sea” (John C. Reilly); the poor white trash outcast (William Fichtner); the old salt who just met true love in the form of a lonely, overweight woman at the bar (John Hawkes); and the superstitious guy (Allen Paine). Fichtner and Reilly don’t get along for reasons that make little sense, except that one must thereafter save the life of the other, which is exactly what happens.

We also meet the women who love the men who bring us fish fillets: a hard-bitten divorcee (Diane Lane) who curses the day a sail was set; a harder-bitten tavern owner and mother of two of our ill-fated crew (Sherry Jones); the competing hard-bitten captain who wants to transfer Clooney’s heart from the sea to her stern (Mary Elizabeth Mastraontonio); the hard-bitten overweight woman with two kids who waits for the old salt (Rusty Schwimmer); the ex-wife of Reilly; and some floozie who shacks up with the superstitious guy.

To a person, the characters are hackneyed and lame. Hollywood goes to Gloucestor and gets a Gorton’s fisherman accent.

As for the storm, it’s technologically impressive and makes the film watchable. The film is also helped by a gripping subplot involving a Coast Guard air/sea rescue (the insights into the pilots of the rescue helicopter are better communicated through a few lines during stress than all of the preceding soliloquies of the main characters).

But even during the technical wizardry, we are treated to two godawful bids for supporting actress nominations by Lane and Mastroantonio.  Big, gloppy, weepy, leaden and ultimately, unconvincing speeches.

The film even has an old sea captain making salty pronouncements at the bar.

“Ayyy matie! Let me tell you about the storm on ’62.”

The entire schmaltz-fest is coated in a gooey James Horner score. At end, rather than dab a tear from your eye, you are more inclined to go out for seafood and question the heroics of six men who risked life and limb (theirs and those of rescuers) so they could make a buck (they risk the storm because the ice machine on their boat broke, and if they wait the storm out, the fish will rot).

And they don’t wear life preservers.

Final note: the film is about sword fisherman, but they assure us that no animals were harmed during its filming, which means most of the picture’s budget was expended on wiggly, rubber fish.

Magnolia. Clocking in at 3 hours and 11 minutes, the first half of Paul Thomas Anderson’s follow-up to Boogie Nights is ambitious, engaging, and risky. Sadly, the remainder of the film is self-indulgent, infantile, maddening, and, ultimately, an assault.

Basically a pastiche of several intersecting stories in Los Angeles, Magnolia recounts a day in the lives of earnest galoot cop John C. Reilly, woman-hating television Svengali Tom Cruise, cancer-ridden game show icon Philip Baker Hall, his wife Melinda Dillon, his daughter Melora Walters, cancer-ridden and dying television magnate Jason Robards, his mentally ill wife Julianne Moore, Robard’s nurse Philip Seymour Hoffman, game show child wunderkind Jeremy Blackmon, his father Michael Bowen, and former game show child wunderkind William H. Macy.

The first problem is structural. Anderson has chosen a story with countless characters who are at the point of a knife in their lives. Drug abuse, fear of dying, dying itself, mental illness, abandonment . . . these are but a few of the issues confronting these characters. As such, scene after scene of high-pitched melodrama makes for a trying time.

The first problem leads to the second: overacting. Because the script is in many ways a collection of speeches at emotional high points, the actors tend to dispense with any hint of subtlety (save Hoffman and Hall, who are notable for their restraint), opting to instead screech at the screen. Cruise (who was nominated and was infinitely better in the clunky Eyes Wide Shut), Moore, Walters, and disappointingly, Macy, are the prime offenders. Cruise’s deathbed scene with Robards is damn near unbearable, as is Macy’s “I have love to give” barroom soliloquy.

The third problem is visual. Anderson is clearly comfortable with the camera, and he refuses to see movement as reserved for action and/or exclamation. His world is both fluid and frenetic, and the style has its merits. But very rarely does he simply stop. No shot is so mundane that it cannot be a dolley-shot or a snakelike track. In the end, it is too much.

Finally, Anderson makes two truly awful choices in the second half of the film. First, he besmirches one of the nice things about his film (Aimee Mann’s songs – like those of Elliot Smith in Good Will Hunting, she has produced several simple, literate and haunting tunes that match the mood of the film) by having his characters actually sing some of the lines to one of her ditties. The effect is awkward. I laughed. Literally, we have Jason Robards on death’s door, singing along with Aimee Mann.

The second is unbelievable and just flat out bizarre: frogs fall out of the sky. Not figuratively, but literally. Big, fat, gloppy frogs.

Erin Brockovich. A gaseous, trite star-vehicle wherein Julia Roberts gets to play working class via trashy clothing and a foul mouth. In essence, she reprises her wardrobe from Pretty Woman. But she’s a good gal underneath that rough exterior, a moll bruised by bad men, and a mother who neglects her children only to tend to the people who really need her – Californians who have been poisoned by Pacific Gas & Electric and their evil design to put chromium into their groundwater.

Like Don Quixote dressed for a red light district, Julia teaches us she is smarter than lawyers, heart is what matters, she can get anywhere with a little cleavage, and, everybody who ever crosses Erin Brockovich is a tight, humorless, prig who has underestimated her pluckiness, to their ultimate misfortune.

Naturally, the PG&E people are faceless, stupid drones, who Erin confronts and morally upbraids in a settlement meeting; her co-counsel is the tightest, most frigid of shrews, who Erin bests with her superior knowledge of the case file (and the inelegantly communicated fact that Erin is not frigid); her boss is an addled schmo who is a much better man with the likes of Erin in his corner; her coworkers are mean, fat cows who envy Erin for her lean legs and prominent breasts; and everyone else is just in the sway of her estimable bosom, brawn and benificence.

And the victims, yea God, the victims. Stephen Soderbergh lards this experience with 5 or 6 sit-downs during which Erin learns yet again how many children have been lost, how many tumors have cropped up, and how many chemotherapies have been delivered, so she can empathize and show us all why she does what she does.

These working class hero tales almost always fail because Hollywood demands the canonization of the little folk. Contrast Erin Brockovich and its falsity with A Civil Action, where the little folk still remain humble and stoic (it has Kathleen Quinlan, who has trademarked humble and stoic), but at least we get to see the hubris and idiocy of their lawyer, John Travolta.

The best part?

In real life, Brockovich’s beau (played in the film by Aaron Eckhart), along with one of her ex-husbands, attempted to extort money from her after she hit it big. And those poisoned by PG&E? Many of them (650 in all) are suing their lawyers because their slice of the pie ($333 million) was not, to their mind, large enough. And Brockovich herself is currently investigating the mysterious illness causing facial tics and verbal outbursts that started among 12 teenagers in Le Roy, N.Y.

God I love the little people.

The Tao of Steve. It is a simple, engaging comedy about a serial one night stand artist in college, 10 years hence, who has now become fat kindergarten teacher, but remains a master at bedding women in the college town. His “Steve” is McQueen, at whose feet he prays. His technique and precepts are shaken when he meets a woman from his past.

Reindeer Games. Imagine Paul Reubens playing Sam Spade and you come close to Ben Affleck as a hardened car thief (yes, because our hero, though a criminal, must not be a real criminal, he must be a car thief, like Nicolas Cage in Gone in 60 Seconds or the redheaded guy from NYPD Blue in the other Nicolas Cage car thief movie) who comes out of prison pretending to be his ex-cell mate (shanked, I kid you not, by DE Dana Stubblefield, formerly of the Washington Redskins) so he can score with his ex-cell mate’s pen pal, a lithe blonde played by Charlize Theron, because all criminals get lithe blonde pen pals who wait for them outside the prison gates and then take them to a motel, and all of these pen pal women are Charlize Theron attractive too. It’s true. Ask Scott Peterson.

So, then Theron’s scraggly, scummy cohort (Gary Sinise) and his crew arrive and they want Affleck to help them rob a casino where Affleck used to work, except that Affleck didn’t work there, his ex-cell mate did, and so, of course, you see the problem.

Nice pool scene with Theron. Otherwise, plodding, stupid and nouveau violent (slo-mo, big holes in people, and snappy one-liners simultaneously).

Hamlet. I know when I think of Hamlet, Ethan Hawke comes immediately to mind because if there is one character who needs added slacker sensibility, it is Hamlet.

Actually, Ethan Hawke captures Hamlet as he would be were Elsinore a Manhattan hotel, Denmark a corporation, and Sam Shepard the ghost of a corporate titan now deposed. All the performances are very good, with special note to Liv Schreiber’s riveting Laertes and Bill
Murray’s effortless update of Polonious. You might think the modern, New York City locale would make this Hamlet clunky, but it does not.

The End of the Affair. Ralph Fiennes plays the same brooding, angry, obsessed pain-in-the-ass pathetico he played in The English Patient, only
this time, he’s mooning over the icy Julianne Moore, not the icy Kristin Scott Thomas. Neil Jordan’s film is as grim as WWII era England, Moore nudity is regular but oddly uninspiring, and Stephen Rea steals the picture with his stoic yet growing turn as Moore’s cuckolded yet loving husband. Still, we are stuck with the disturbed Fiennes bemoaning the loss of his love over and
over and over again.